I had two remarkable revelations today that have made me realise that skimmed milk, far from being one of the great tragedies of our times, is a hugely necessary and thoroughly awesome part of the great cycle of fat. As they dawned on me I skipped gaily down the road singing about how much I loved people who drink skimmed milk and how they are the glue that holds society together. I think flowers actually bloomed in my wake and I could have sworn I saw a rainbow.

Revelation one came when I got back from work today and found that there was clotted cream in the fridge. This is of course in it’s own right an almost religious experience with its thick golden crust and thick velvety insides and I really can’t think why I don’t really buy the stuff myself much. I’ve now had clotted cream with a scone, with cake, on a mince pie, with some fruit, on top espresso and off of a spoon and I was almost so happy I just curled up and went to sleep.  However, that wouldn’t have helped me write today’s blog and it wouldn’t have let me get to revelation one properly.

As I was putting the (greatly reduced) pot of cream back in the fridge I had a look to see what dairy products there were in there and after a careful rummage I found…
whole milk, gold top, double cream, creme fraiche, full fat greek yoghurt, fromage frais, salted butter, unsalted butter, unsalted French butter, parmesan, emmental and the beautiful beautiful clotted cream…

and I thought,

“Holy crap, do I eat a lot of dairy fat!”  

Now I’m sure that doesn’t come as a shock to most of you as you’ve probably seen for the most part how much fat I eat, or at least how much goes into the recipes I list here, but for me to look around the fridge and see that pretty much every milky thing in there would give a dietitian uncontrollable shakes and a strong urge to hide behind the sofa sort of brought the point home. I would like to say that even for our house this is quite an uncommonly large amount of fatty dairy stuff and partly comes from my family being away for the past few days and me stocking up on heart-stopping goodies and partly comes from them all coming back and fearing that I might have somehow starved whilst they were away.

On it’s own that particular gem of knowledge doesn’t really amount to very much, but then I had my second startling revelation. As I sat back and admired the pile of heart-failure inducing packets and cartons I found myself thinking of how it all gets made. All together it’s a collection of fatty, super fatty and artery-cloggingly fatty things and normal milk is just plain old normal fatty. So, if I had myself a cow then I wouldn’t be able to make all this stuff without getting extra fat from somewhere else. Then it hit me,

“All the fat I eat is stolen from skimmed milk!”

The skimmed milk industry, far from destroying the soul of the world by polluting it with second rate milk is actually spreading love and joy by creating vast amounts of dairy fat for people like you and me to eat! Every litre of fat free milk that someone drinks gives a precious 3 or 4 grams of fat for all the fine upstanding butter and cream eaters to enjoy. After some quick calculations, I found that I eat about 50g or so of dairy fat each day excluding the fat from milk and so if it weren’t for somebody out there drinking the 15 litres of milk that that fat was skimmed from then I’d be doomed. I guess about half a litre of milk a day is fairly normal and so I’d like to extend a big thankyou to those 30 or so people who choose to have skimmed milk (no longer to be referred to as “the crappy white water stuff that sort of looks like milk”) and don’t use butter and by doing so support my lavishly fatty existence!

Starting from today, I’d like to completely turn around my position on getting people to drink full-fat milk! Full-fat milk is bad, don’t drink it! Skimmed milk has all the same nutrients as full-fat milk, just with fewer calories, it’s better for you! Skimmed milk is lower in cholesterol, cholesterol is bad! The talk of less flavour is all lies, skimmed milk tastes just the same as all milk unless you happen to like the taste of yucky yucky butter in your drinks! Drinking full fat milk will make you fat… really really fat and you don’t even want to think about gold top! Every time you drink full fat milk you make a pixie cry and a health fanatic kill a baby!

Drink skimmed milk today, it’s the only ethical choice.