Well, it’s a bit of a break from blogging about chocolatey type stuff, but work today really made me proud. Today for some reason I just had that magic touch, I was on fire, I was like a lean mean shoe machine… I made every single child under the age of 5 that I put shoes on cry!


It’s all very scientific really.

At the start of the day it sort of upset me that little Marcus had has his injections instead of his morning nap and so was now cranky and afraid of strange men holding funny bits of metal stuff or that little Julia just hated having her feet measured or that little Philip was really really upset that we were out of neon red and blue trainers, but by the time it got to 5pm I felt I was having some sort of magical experience. Somehow I could find a toddler happy and content and transform them magically into a screaming wondertot, it was great. I think that probably I was subconsciously starting to be more and more menacing as the day passed just so that I would be able to keep up the record.

I was actually a bit disappointed at one point since little Freddy had been the model child and liked having his feet measured, liked having a shoe fight with me using the display of babies slippers and really liked the shoes that I picked out with his mum. It almost broke the streak, but then he fell off the till counter that he was climbing on and cut his lip… I hate to say it, but it made me laugh like an evil scientist on the inside.

It might be that I cut my hair again last night and now it’s standing up like a cartoon character at the back, or it could be that my glasses make me look like a scaryman, or it might just be that I whisper that Santa’s not real, I ate the Easter Bunny, chocolate is made from children and that they’re adopted very quickly whilst their mum’s not looking. That could play a part I suppose…

The best or possibly worst, but definitely funniest part about a crying baby in a children’s shoe shop is that it sparks off some sort of terrifying chain reaction like a tactical nuclear warhead of stroppiness. As soon as one toddler starts crying pretty much every other child in the store will remember what a good idea it is to cry in public places. All the attention from everyone must be great! Normally it starts off with one kid having a run round in their new shoes and then falling over, they start crying and then every other kid in the store will look at them, think for just one serene moment and then follow suit. Imagine some sort of tantrum concerto:


“waaaaaaaaaaaah waaaah!!”

“waaaaaaaaaaaah waaaah!!”

“waaaaaaaaaaaah waaaah!!”



At least I’m not in any position of authority or respect or anything like that…

Santa’s looking off to the side because he’s wondering if anyone would notice if he used little “Jimmy-just-shat-myself” to club little “Stevey-stamp-Santa’s-groin” into unconsciousness.

Apparently you shouldn’t laugh when they throw fits… but really, I just can’t help it.