I think I’ve just revealed my greatest weakness in business (as well as possibly a secret strength): that although in some ways I’m horribly callous and slightly amoral I’m just not quite an arrogant business gashcheese.

Tomorrow I’ve got a meeting with the bank to talk through some of the bits for my business plan and they wanted me to change the predictions for how much I would sell each month of the year to reflect people not eating as much chocolate at certain times of the year. There’s blatantly no way I can predict that at all, but at least it’s no more pulled out of my ass than the rest of my business plan (please don’t read this Mr. Bankman…. I really have carefully thought all my figures through and believe them with unflinching steely faith) the only thing that really matters is if I can make it look less shitstained by dressing it up as much as possible with references from other things.

In the search for some sort of article that tells me how much more chocolate people buy in the winter or at Valentine’s day or whatever I came across the most terrifying thing ever…

“Are you season-savvy? Celebrate the opportunity to manage seasonal candy sales more strategically.”

Do not read the whole article if you still have any faith in the intrinsic goodness of humanity, it will crush your belief beneath a cold avalanche of marketing.

I don’t mind the commercialisation of some holidays, I really quite like Christmas the way it is now, I love the tack, the consumerism, the relentless in-your-face advertising telling me to buy buy buy and eat eat eat, but to have it revealed as such a horrible soulless enterprise really gets my blood boiling. “Celebrate” your chance to make your holiday strategy more complete? It just brings up horrible images of bunches of executives in pinstriped suits gathered round a pie chart showing increased holiday revenues with party hats and very sombre expressions.

“What are we here for guys?”

“It’s a party Brett, can’t you tell?”

“Oh right, yeah! We’re celebrating our opportunity to manage seasonal candy sales more strategically!”

“Hell yeah we are! This is going to be even better than that time we made spreadsheets in order to take on the preparations for our orgy more efficiently!”

“We had an orgy, I don’t remember that?”

“No, in the end the spreadsheets had already sufficiently fulfilled our joy quota for the financial year and so the orgy itself was cancelled.”

“This year our strategy plans are looking fun enough that we might be able to cancel Christmas too.”

*high five*

Aren’t the guys who write this stuff meant to be advising people on how to appeal to consumers? I’m not going to trust advice from anyone who puts a title that bad on the front of their pitch.

Seeing them slightly salves my pride at having just written the words “how much each holiday adds as a percentage to the non-holiday-enhanced revenue” in my new revised business plan (now complete with 58% more anality). When the words appeared on the computer screen my inner child screamed and took refuge behind my spleen. He’s been hiding there for a while now, I hope he decides to come out.

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