Amazing how I can spend an entire day covered with chocolate or go out and climb trees and play in the mud but still not feel as dirty as I do know, somehow I can’t seem to rub the taint of business no matter how hard I scrub. I’ve started to feel ok about my figures… not because they’re any less bullshitty than they were yesterday, but just because I’ve completely accepted that they’re essentially worthless and just a tool to get more money. At the moment the business plan I’ve got going in my head runs something like this:

1. Other chocolate shops aren’t going out of business.

2. My chocolate tastes better, my shop will look nicer and I’m way more awesome than any other chocolate shop.

3. Therefore I won’t go out of business.

In an ideal world I could just bring the bank a chocolate sample and then do a little dance to prove my awesomeness and aesthetic sensibilities and they’d practically beg me to take their money, but as it is I guess I’ll just have to translate it from English to corporatespeak.

I’m going to bring them chocolate of course, but the dance is going to have to take the form of some sort of jargon filled waste of paper loaded down with terms like “product accountability”, “clear knowledge of the processes underlying the production” and “key features that Naturally Indulgent will market to its customer base”.  I reckon it’s more or less the banking equivalent of moonwalking across their office doing a spin and tipping my hat to my manager. I can’t seem to find anything online that can tell me how to produce an accurate forcast and I can’t think of any way to do it on my own so it’s time to do what everybody else is doing and then do it a little bit better than they do. Unfortunately it takes all the fun and excitement out of the plan, I can get a little bit excited when I talk about my products, but that just disappears when I have to explain which consumer groups they appeal to and what their saleable features are… why can’t I just say “brandy soaked apricots and chili taste fantastic in a dark chocolate bar, people will buy it because it’s lovely”.

I’m really looking forward to when this is all over and I can relax a bit, it’s really reminded me why I decided not to get a normal job, the thought of writing reports like this for a living makes my insides cry and my innocence die a little bit.

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