I love how questionable science and professional testimonials are horribly abused for advertising. Whether it’s a painkiller or an exfoliate it’s got to have that funny computer animated “proof” showing our amazing product getting quickly and effectively to the source of the problem.

“Now here’s the proof. Just watch this animation of this clear blue stuff going up around this red stuff and then turning it green with a smiley face. Actistuff targets and neutralises badness effectively and over 25% faster than other market brands,” says the smiling good looking guy in a lab coat and oversized glasses as he looks straight at you and gives you a slight knowing nod to distract you from the huge block of small white text down at the bottom of the screen telling you how many people were actually tested and what horrible side effects there might be.

I’m sure you’ve all seen this advert before:

but I thought I’d put it up just because it’s an awesome piece of marketing! It says nothing about the professional opinion of doctors about whether cigarettes are bad for you or camel cigarettes are less bad it just gives a patina of scientific weight to something that is basically just a consumer survey. (Note the handsome respectable man with a lab coat and stethoscope smoking a cigarette and giving you the knowing nod.)

And look, down at the bottom right it’s got the whole dodgy proof thing. Sure they didn’t have computer animations in those days, but there’s the little diagram and the model telling you to take the “T-zone Test”… it’s got the words zone and test. I’m convinced!

I went round to the dentist yesterday – it’s something I dread with a fiery intensity and try to put off for as long as possible since the amount of chocolate in my diet would shock a ten year old with a sugar addiction – and brought some chocolates with me for him and the rest of the surgery to try. He liked them a lot, especially the mushroom ones, so clearly I need some sort of ad campaign centered around a smiling man in green dentist smocks holding a drill in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other.

“Dr.Mister loves naturally indulgent just loves Naturally Indulgent, just look at that smile on his face and not a cavity in sight.

Naturally Indulgent chocolate is the number one stimulant for your A-zone take the A-zone test today and shove some chocolate in your A-hole. It’s your own personal laboratory.

Pick Naturally Indulgent, the chocolate dentists eat.”

Yeah that’ll work wonders, I should try that tomorrow! Just in case you were wondering… your A-zone is your awesome zone or mouth of course, what else could it be?

Oh and now that I’m on the subject, whilst pseudoscience amuses me, pseudo-dietary/health/alternative healing advice really dicks me off. I flat out refuse to advertise anything about antioxidants no matter how many smiling surgeons in blinding technicolour I can fit into the ad for that.

I do love this study though. I can imagine turning into an great retro stylee red dominated dot print poster featuring a girl locked behind a door with her exasperated man on the other side whilst she’s collapsed in a slightly suggestive position with a bar of chocolate… there’ll be a scientist in the corner in a horrible clashing green and yellow circle giving you the knowing nod and generally looking respectable.

“Chocolate better than kissing causing longer and more intense excitement say leading researchers at the Mind Lab. The rich aroma and unique texture of fine chocolates sets the heart pounding like nothing else according to distinguished scientists.

But Betsy doesn’t need to be told that now does she?”

Just please don’t take it at face value.