I was in the supermarket today with my usual sort of shopping basket (mostly chocolate, cream and butter, most of the rest bacon and cheese… it’s almost a balanced diet) and waiting in line to pay. I’d never really thought of it before, but I suppose to most people the things I buy look sort of odd and very very tempting. “Gregor, the accounts consultant and secret shoe fetishist” in front of me had what looked like dinner for one and two bottles of wine and didn’t really look up from his gloomy cloud of misery, but the two yummy mummy types behind me couldn’t stop looking. After about twenty seconds yummy mummy 1, who was trying to get her figure back after giving birth to Frederica, caved in and went back to get some bacon to add to her spinach and crumpets. Yummy mummy 2, who is trying to go macrobiotic in the hope that it will stop her husband looking that way at the au pair, lasted a little bit longer but gave in and went back to get some creme fraiche, then thought better of it and got some double cream too, it’s going to go miles towards brightening up the risotto she’s going to make. I had no idea other people payed so much attention to what other people around them are buying, but it makes me happy knowing that I play a part in bringing bacon and cream into people’s lives.

Since forever I’ve loved to play the “look at the people around you in the supermarket and invent a story for them based entirely on their appearance and what they’re putting in the checkout” game. It’s completely addictive and once you start getting more and more creative it will spiral out of control completely and make your trip to shops last twice as long as you search for ever weirder personalities, you’re only allowed to use the people going through the same register though so choose with care. They’re not mean all the time either… it just so happenend that today’s ended up that way, I’m almost always nice to the people buying chocolate or pork products, unless the pork’s lean of course, then they pay, oh how they pay!

The real skill is finding someone with a personality and backstory so clearly evident that you don’t need to make up au pairs or anything before they get interesting. My favourite person ever – and clear example of someone with a readymade backstory – has to be “Dr. Beard the Amazing Antarctic Explorerman on the Atkin’s Diet” who bought 20 tins of salmon, 20 tins of tuna, a whole load of tinned ham and lots couple jars of pickled eggs. He had the most fantastic beard ever, was dressed head to foot in windbreaker gear and put all his shopping in huge rucksack with a bedroll tied to the bottom. Evidently he was off to boldly plot a new route to the pole AND cut his carb intake at the same time… just wait till he shows off his holiday photos and fantastic ironing-board stomach at the next meeting of the British Antarctic Survey. Who’ll be the laughing stock then Dr. Ecklesworth, eh?!